“Welcome to my First Annual Celebration of Women!” Brown Eye declared to no one in particular. “To demonstrate my appreciation for the fairer sex, you’ll notice that my trail has several features:”
Cockamole bent down to tie her shoe, only to leap up with a screech when Brown Eye prodded her.
“You’ll notice I have taken advantage… ahem, utilized several female companions during the setting of this trail.”
Just Get It Over With frowned. “You know, I didn’t agree to setting this drink check...”
Brown Eye shoved a pair of bunny ears into her hands. “Here’s a costume.” Just Get It Over With bit her lips. “You can sit up there like you’re on a throne,” Brown Eye added, and with that her internal debate was thoroughly settled, and she ran to do his bidding.
“The flour,” Brown Eye continued, “is mixed with dried menstrual blood in homage to the cyclical sacrifice that you ladies make for the survival of our species.”
“Where the fuck did you get that?” Primal Vagina wrinkled her nose. Cunty Butler whispered, “I sold it to him, but don’t you dare tell him it’s food dye.”
Brown Eye waved his hand. “And our visitor is emblematic of my interactions with gentlewomen: ‘I Fought The Twat, and The Twat Won.’”
“I’ve never met you,” IFTTATTW retorted.
“He’s actually my friend,” Now I Know My STDs added, and Just Chris nodded in agreement.
“And when you embark on trail tonight, you will be utterly confused and befuddled, and at times even scared, much like you ladies feel every single day.”
Do Her Well crossed her arms. “I’ve set more straightforward trails in my sleep.”
“All the beauty rest you can get, dear,” Brown Eye shot back.
“Most importantly, you will drink small amounts of beer, because ladies must mind their waist lines and their sobriety.”
“Fuck that!” Just Liz shouted and headed to the keg with her gallon jug.
“Seriously. Brown Eye, no more telling us ladies what to do. To the On After!” cried Cockamole, and Stinky Floss, Roman Showers, MUG, Fuck Norris, My Little Porno, Miss Delivery, and The Perfect Woman lifted her and carried her to the bar, with most of the women trailing after.
Watching the crowd of harriettes and honorary harriettes disappear, Dick Ass Mother Fucker scratched his head. “Now what do we do?”
Vagina Dentata scrolled through his phone. “My app’s got nothing.”
“Lemme see that,” Good Shit grabbed it from him, and typed a few lines in. “Best I can do without being on the shitter.”
“Thanks, Good Shit!” Vagina Dentata scrambled off after the ladies, waggling the hash shit enticingly.
“Now for the rest of you.” Good Shit crossed his arms. “Here’s how you treat a woman, and I should know, I’ve treated a few.”
“Weiner I Am, stop making them gag when they think of short skirts.”
“Douchicorn, stop spending more time at the salon than they do.”
“Just Davids—they can’t tell you apart. Do something stupid.”
“Uber Luber, stop eating their brains.”
“And most importantly, Brown Eye…”
But before the last piece of advice could be dispensed, Frozen Cum crashed through the crowd with Fuck Buddy and Bitch’s Bitch at his side. “The Anti-Ranger Run is nigh!” he called, and pulled a taser out of his pocket. Bitch’s Bitch squealed and ran into the darkness, but Fuck Buddy stood firm. “Beware, beware, the Ides of March!”
“It’s August,” Ru Ru Rimmin pointed out.
“Don’t confuse him!” whispered Fuck Buddy.
“I don’t understand. What does that have to do with females?” Brown Eye asked.
“Ladies love rangers,” Buck Fucka winked, leaping atop Eat My Pussy’s shoulders.
“Giddy up!” Buck Fucka snapped his whip, corralling the rest of the hashers. Together, they headed off into the sunset towards the On After.