"It's been pouring rain for at least five minutes already," Jack the Ripper held a hand out and watched the water fill it up.

 

 

 

"Sure to be moist tonight!" Muff Daddy said cheerfully. Brown Eye shuddered and ducked away.

 

 

 

"What are you supposed to be?" Tricrapylete asked Deadbeat, who was shrugging on a fine jacket.

 

 

 

"Adolph Sutro," Deadbeat replied. "Elected Eight Teen Ninety Four."

 

 

 

"Fair point, fair point," muttered Wash This Asshole. "But isn't the rain going to ruin that?"

 

 

 

"Well, I think the rain might be just the ticket. I've got baths to fill, and harriettes to fill them with!" He put an arm around Rent Whore.

 

 

 

"He does have nice Baths," she agreed happily.

 

 

 

"There's nothing else to be done," Backside Banger crouched underneath a tree, shivering. "This rain just isn't stopping. We have to build a boat, and make the FRBs pay for it."

 

 

 

"Those are fine words," Masterbaster argued. "But they barely pay enough to cover their fair share of beer."

 

 

 

"Hashers can't do anything right," agreed Perfect Woman. "We can hardly even go into bars without inciting shocking acts of depravity and jealousy."

 

 

 

"That sounds like a winning proposition!" Rhythm Method declared. "Gondolerrhea, you collect the cash. My Little Porno, lead the way. If people pay to watch wrestling, they'll pay double for us. We're going to earn ourselves a boat out of this storm."

 

 

 

As they found out, approximately five street corners later, they were able to earn plenty of cash, but Gondolerrhea had no idea how to handle to books of a human trafficking ring.

 

 

 

"Fuck it," said Brazilian Blow Bob. "Enough of this running about, let's get to the beer."

 

 

 

And at last, after much searching and striving, they found the sacred beer van and Hand Pump with it, but the FRBs were nowhere to be seen.

 

 

 

"Do you think they're okay?" Cockamole asked Twerxes worriedly.

 

 

 

"Vagina Dentata was sweeping," Twerxes told her solemnly. "And he may have bitten off more than he can chew."

 

 

 

Thankfully for Cockamole, the first FRBs interrupted a disturbing vision growing in her mind. "There they are!" she said excitedly. "They finally made it!"

 

 

 

And so they came over the hill, two by two. Crabs and Wrinklepecker were whispering sweet nothings in each others's ears, while Saigon Sally was supporting Jizzard at the hip. Just David followed in orange vest, lead by Me No Engrish on a leash, while Just Helen was traipsing after One Night Only like a puppy. Just Carson and Just Jesse were taking turns wretching into the bushes.

 

 

 

"Water poisoning," Just Jesse said breathlessly. "Sleazy thought the forest was too flooded for her tastes, so she stuck to the high grounds. We were down a drink check... and it was just too much." He collapsed to the ground, and Fucker rushed to bring him a beer. 

 

 

 

"It's been raining forever," Udder Moron said in wonder. "Forty minutes and forty seconds, at least."

 

 

 

"It was madness, sheer madness," Whorifist said, turning to Primal Vagina. "I didn't know if we would survive the night. And that made me realize something. I have spent the last few years getting to know you, and each day makes me realize I couldn't imagine my life with any other person." He knelt to the ground.

 

 

 

"It's stopping!" A rainbow clad figure jumped out of the darkness. "Ooooooh. He's proposing!" Just Get It Over With squealed.

 

 

 

Whorifist grinned wryly. "What she said."

 

 

 

"Of course," Primal Vagina said, accepting the ring. "But something tells me you'd been planning it for a while." Ten bottles of champagne popped in the background.

 

 

 

"A bit." He linked hands with hers.

 

 

 

"Something like that could be contagious," Douchicorn knelt in front of Twerxes, holding out a ring pop. "Did you know if you put carbon under enough pressure, it becomes a diamond?"

 

 

 

"Shove it up your ass," she said, tossing the ring over her shoulder and going over to talk to Pizza Ass.

 

 

 

Douchicorn caught it before it hit the ground. "Kinky."

 

 

 

"I guess we're not going to get to build your boat after all. It's drying up pretty quickly," Stinky Floss consoled Backside Banger. Buck Fucka patted him on the back, while Pole Her Bare handed him a beer.

 

 

 

"Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking. All of the hashers on a single boat? Lunacy," Backside Banger shrugged.

 

 

 

"You know," Haolewood thought out loud. "If you drink enough, sometimes your boat feels just like a bed." He winked at Dual Tools.

 

 

 

"The point has a man... er, the man has a point," Udder Moron took Backside Banger's arm in his. "To the on after!"

 

 

 

And so they went to the on after, and so they drank an absolute shit ton, and so they had the sweetest of vertigo-filled dreams, and only one unexpected trip to the restroom during the night per person.

 

 

 

The End