“It looks perfect on you!” Just Tina cried with delight as Masterbaster whirled around. “And if you just add this necklace…” Cockamole ran over with eggs in hand, ready to accessorize. Masterbaster looked at his dripping figure in the long mirror.

 

“So are you ready?” asked Zippercised. “Are you ready to say—”

 

“Guys, guys!” Cumdog Millionaire ran over. “I’ve got something important to tell you…”

 

“Shh!” scolded Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring. “Masterbaster has a very important decision to make.”

 

“I think he looks a bit… you know… in that one,” whispered Six Tits A Week.

 

“He looks what?” asked Yes Sir Yesshesfat loudly. Squeal 4 Me snickered.

 

“Nothing!” said Six Tits A Week. “I just don’t think… I mean, there are children here.” He said with teeth clenched, jerking his head towards Just Doesn’t Get It.

 

“You were going to say that he looks too slutty!” yelled Cockagami, sitting back and taking a sip of his champagne.

 

“Slutty!” Sir Menage-a-Lot clapped his hands over Circle Jerk’s ears. “Can we please be a bit more civilized?”

 

“I’m just saying that I think the dress reveals a little too much skin,” Six Tits A Week said demurely. “Brown Eye keeps bending over every time he walks by.”

 

“Well, Brown Eye needs to mind his own business,” huffed Dickweed, closing the curtains leading to their room. “Masterbaster, you look beautiful. You need to go with whatever makes you happy. You deserve it.”

 

“I think what would make me happy…” Chicken Bone Her leaned in closer to hear Masterbaster’s whisper. “I think what would make me happy is TWO dresses.” They all gasped.

 

Meanwhile, at the other end of the store, Just Louisa was losing momentum in her shopping experience. “I don’t know if I can last any longer,” she pled tearfully to Rent Whore. She pushed away the gown that Sodomentary Cock held up helpfully. “It’s all too much, too much pressure, too many expectations.”

 

“Do you all have anything in white?” Cumdog asked Twerxes Like Xerxes, who was buried in a layer of 69 discarded dresses.

 

Twerxes shook her head. “Of course not!”

 

“Maybe what you need is some motivation,” My Little Porno winked, and linked arms with Primal Vagina, Ska Skank, and Can’t Rush Anal. “I heard you’ll do anything for some mermaid ass.” The dressing room curtain slid back into place.

 

“And now for a word from our sponsors,” Just Get It Over With announced. “Do you need some bling in your life?”

 

“Got some!” Cumdog twirled through the background.

 

“Worried that your smile is not impressive enough? Washington Dental is here to help.” Just Get It Over With shoved Vagina Dentata forward. The blinding light that flashed from his mouth washed out the room. A loud crash—“Buck Fucka!” Vagina Dentata screamed in agony.

 

“Oh shit, Just Diane ran into his pole!” Just Arno yelled with mixed fear and delight.

 

When everyone’s eyes adjusted, the room was a mess. Pole Her Bare was cracking a whip at Just Karen, while Chain Bang was taking pictures. Blowqueen had fallen under Tears of Semen’s dress, and Zippercised had come undone. Jizzard—or was that Three Fingers?—had Dick Ass Mother Fucker riding him like a pony, while Joe Pubic Perm was escaping out the backdoor with The Perfect Woman in a pram. Weekend at Abba’s was shoving her virgin under a chair, while Gobble My Ass was hiding hers in the closet. Good Shit Lollicock and Just Leo were cackling like old hens at the shenanigans.

 

“What is the meaning of all this?” Leave It To Cleavage shouted at the melee. Boob Slap grabbed a glass of champagne that had been set aside, while Cockulus Oculus grabbed a bottle of Jamison.

 

Leave It To Cleavage looked around accusingly. “I put together a beautiful display of green dresses, handcrafted by small Chinese children, and it devolves into this chaos? What are you, animals?” Muff Daddy nodded.

 

“Lol,” Whorifist said, looking at his phone. “IMO it’s nbd.”

 

“Why is this happening?” Now I Know My STDs wondered.

 

“IDK, my BFF Scott?” Whorifist read aloud. “LMAO.” Cockamole threw the hashshit at him.

 

“I’ve decided!” Masterbaster interrupted them all. “I’ve decided to say—”

 

“Hold on a second,” Miss Delivery interrupted. “This dress is $40,000 dollars. That is like almost one thousand over your budget. We talked about this Masterbaster.”

 

“But it looks so beautiful on him,” Wee Wee argued. “Look at those lines, the curves, that bling.”

 

Millimeter Peter nodded. “Just the right amount of cleavage.”


“You’ve got to show more than that to get any attention around here,” Cumdog Millionaire groused.

 

“He deserves it, Miss Delivery,” argued Red Hot Vagina. “Do it for Allahu Aqbark.”

 

Miss Delivery grumbled, but nodded. “Fine, fine…”

 

“I say Yes to the Dress!” Masterbaster twirled. Brave Fart and Fuck Norris danced around him, while Silence of The Trans blew a party favor. Just Liz popped another bottle of champagne and poured it into Douchicorn’s mouth. Fuck Buddy, Cosmic Pussy, and Wrinklepecker brought out the cake that Just Tina had crafted, and a wave of hashers consumed it like locusts.

 

“We have to celebrate,” Masterbaster declared. “But I heard some people have even bigger news.”

 

“We’re getting married!” Cherry Poppins held up Cumdog Millionaire’s hand proudly.

 

 

“Hurrah!” Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy squealed. “Why didn’t you just tell us already?”