“Jesus Christ, it’s getting bigger!” Do Her Well collided with Yessiryesshesfat before scrambling down a dark alleyway. Masterbaster chuckled until he realized the gravity of the situation, falling over the edge of the rapidly expanding sinkhole. Only his hold on Allahu Aqbark’s leash prevented him from falling into the glowing depths below.
Weekend At ABBAA’s screamed and ran, riding away on the back of a random soccer player with Blowqueen and Tears of Semen rapidly following suit. The trembling ground made Ru Ru Rimmin quiver and Miss Delivery grab a beer.
“Hey, have you seen my buddy?” Crabs came out of the alleyway, mouth covered in chocolate. “I thought that was him, but I don’t think he hablas the ingles, if you know what I mean.” He pointed to a tentacled creature holding a laser gun, who was now admiring the graffiti artwork behind them.
“A little help here?” Masterbaster asked desperately.
“I’ll call ICE,” Rhythm Method offered.
“NO!” Dick Ass Mother Fucker held both hands up. “We are a motherfucking sanctuary city, and if we called ICE we’d have to get rid of Good Shit, and he still owes me for the masa for the trail.”
“You didn’t buy any masa,” Fucker pointed out.
“Well I was going to,” Dick Ass Mother Fucker reasoned. “But I’m protesting the repression of the hares by the bourgeoisie.”
“No one’s getting deported,” Backside Banger reassured them, brushing some lint off his fine suit. “Not me, not Just Doesn’t Get It, not Cockamole…” At their raised eyebrows he shrugged. “You’ve got to admit the lack of guacamole is deeply concerning.”
“My Little Porno!” Masterbaster cried. “Hand up?”
“Yes, they are hand UPs, not hand OUTs,” she agreed.
“Besides, I’ll just have my favorite attorney handle it,” Backside Banger concluded, Roman Showers beaming beside him. “Hand Pump’s highly qualified after all the court summonses.”
The ground quaked again, and Masterbaster’s grip began to slip. Primal Vagina and Vagina Dentata screamed and ran, followed by Cuming Mutha dragging an unconscious Circle Jerk behind him.
“Really?” Muff Daddy looked down at his shorts. “I didn’t think they were that bad.”
“Hey! I have cocaine! So much fucking cocaine!” Masterbaster cried out in desperation.
Hepatitis Seeing Eye Dog perked up, darting away from Slap A Bag of Dickz like lightning. Just Oso leapt upon ABBAA and rode him like a Douchicorn towards the sinkhole, while Prison Wallet scrambled away from Brown Eye and Bitch’s Bitch, ignoring their plaintive cries. The only reason Twerxes’ canine was safe was because of Cockagami distracting him with a perfect waltz, the only thing dogs love more than nose candy. Sir Menage A Lot sniffed in jealousy.
“Thank god,” Masterbaster cried in relief as the hounds pulled him from the hole, not even minding the intensive tongue-lashing they gave after the discovered his lie.
“What are we going to do about this?” Fuck Buddy pointed at the now growing numbers of aliens wearing identical gray pantsuits. “I think they’re multiplying!”
“I didn’t know they procreated by kissing!” The Perfect Woman protested.
“And the sinkhole is still getting bigger…” Turbo Twat added.
“Let’s build a wall!” Titty Boo Boo cried.
“And make the aliens pay for it!” Cunty Butler added. “They must be wealthy, those pant suits are high quality.”
“But with what?” Three Fingers wondered. “We don’t have any materials!”
“Habardashery!” yelled Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring.
“And all the shit left in the van,” Minor 69er added.
“Let’s go!” Stinky Floss rallied the troops, Mary Tyler Whore joining her and Reverse Schoolgirl in putting all the spare yoga pants in a pile.
“Ah, I missed the camaraderie of the hash,” I’m Drunk told Whackaboob and Craven More Head as he began to stack used cups in a pyramid.
“Is it always like this?” All Hands on Dick asked Breaking Bad in Bed and I Did But.
“How would I know?” I Did But complained. “I’m from here, but not really, if you know what I mean. Frankly, this is just a waste of time.”
“No it’s not!” Cool Handjob Luke cried. “It’s working!”
They watched as Pepe Le Poop ran towards the aliens, waving a sweaty T-shirt and pants that he had gotten from Just Jojo. They crowded away in disgust, leaping one by one down the sinkhole that apparently was a portal to their home dimension.
“Wait!” Eat My Pussy cried. “You guys were the last spot on my Kink Bingo card!” He leapt down the sinkhole after them as it closed.
“I’m glad we didn’t have to call the Feds,” Just Get It Over With sighed.
“Yeah, the last time I got involved with a Cheeto, I couldn’t stand the mouth feel,” Just Jana told Boob Slap. Got Wood frowned in concern and edged away.
Weiner I Am sat up from where he had been lying and looked around at the mess.
“Did I do that?” he slurred.
“You think one man could be responsible for all of that?” Cockarazzi asked incredulously.
Weiner I Am thought for a second. “Hold my weed,” he said, and dashed off.
“We’re saved!” Udder Moron declared. “And we couldn’t have done it without Just JoJo,” he added, slapping the naked man on the back.
“Thanks, man! You know I love this group, and if stripping naked could bring the slightest benefit to mankind, then I’d do it every night.” He frowned and swayed, the world around him transforming as he spoke.
“Do… it… every… night,” The police officer said as she wrote.
Just Jojo blinked, realizing he was no longer outdoors on a balmy night. He looked around himself, taking in the sight of a cold jail cell with Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy as his only company. He blinked blearily at the name tags on the officers before him… Sergeant Fuck Norris and Sergeant Shaft didn’t look like they had good times in store for him.
“How did I get here?” he asked.
“Looks like you’re finally coming around,” Seargent Shaft grunted, thumbing through the paperwork. As he looked down, Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy contorted himself out of the neighboring cell and slipped off.
“Sir, what would you say if I told you that you took mind altering hallucinogenics, stripped naked, piled all your clothes into a pseudo-barricade, and then exposed yourself to a man in a wheelchair?” Sergeant Fuck Norris asked.
Just JoJo thought for a second. “Well, ma’am, I guess that would make me Handidicked, wouldn’t it?”
“Guilty as charged,” Sergeant Shaft declared.