“The challenge you’ll face is like never before, Agent IDK My BFF Scott,” MUG said, standing at the window of the secret Presidio bunker. The sun was setting, traffic just beginning to pile up at the Golden Gate Bridge. The commuters, locked in their daily rituals, knew nothing of the hazards that dwelt within their city’s dirty underbelly.
“Not to worry, MUGgypenny,” IDK let a dashing grin flicker over his face before he grew serious. “After the incident with Minor 69er, I’ve learned to take more care. I have a team assembled—Double Oh Primal Vagina will have my back for our strike force, and we have I’m Drunk and 2XWhore leading a top-notch surveillance team at the bar.”
MUG frowned. “Word has come from on high—My Little Porno and The Perfect Woman say they’ve seen nothing like this threat. You may have trafficked Grassy Ass through customs. You may have a Mouth Down South at every port of call. And we know our powers reach far and wide—inserting Uncle Bad Touch into the Katy Perry Superbowl concert was not easy. But you lack the resources that you’ve once had. Twerxes Like Xerxes is all tied up at the moment, and Head Queen is diving deep undercover. IDK, I’m worried about you.” MUG flipped through some files before continuing. “Luckily, E may have some equipment to help.” She pressed a button, and a panel slid back to reveal a staircase.
“Ah, IDK,” E=McFucked looked up from his computer screen. “Lovely to see you today.” He clicked his pen, and in the distance there was an explosion. “Oops.”
“Let’s cut to the chase,” IDK my BFF Scott declared. “My car?”
“The Lamborghini fitted with bulletproof glass, rocket boosters, the plasma ray, and Garmin GPS systems?” E=McFucked frowned. “Sir Menage-a-lot had a little… incident last week, so I’m afraid that this will have to do.” He clicked on a screen, showing a surveillance image of a van parked on a street corner. It was the sort of van you would tell your grandchildren to avoid. IDK peered closer at the image, pretty sure he could see Agent Muff Daddy taking a nap in the back.
“I do have a nice watch I can offer you. It’s a Casio.” He looked around. “Oh, Just Doesn’t Get It must have checked it out already.”
“Where the hell are they?” IDK My BFF Scott dived behind some bushes, followed closely by Primal Vagina. Gunfire resounded in their ears.
“I inserted a tracking device in Brown Eye… he’s in Marin?!” Primal Vagina scrolled through a holographic screen. “Saigon Sally is five miles out, and Pepe Le Poop is right on top of him. But don’t worry-- Butt Plug FRED is close at hand.”
“That doesn’t make me feel better,” IDK muttered. “Call in to I’m Drunk and 2XWhore,” he ordered.
“I’m DRUNK!” the reply came through their comms. “Barely Manbelow, how I’ve missed you!”
“2X Whore, you there?” Primal Vagina chimed in.
“I’m just a Slut Machine,” someone was singing. “And I don’t work for nobody but Roofie Ragu.”
“Yeah yeah,” I’m Drunk’s voice was louder than usual. “I think… I think we see something.”
“What?” IDK demanded.
“Leave It To Cleavage!”
“I think someone spiked their drinks,” Primal Vagina concluded. “We need a situation update, I’m Drunk, stat.”
“Spiked our drinks… with alcohol!” I’m Drunk giggled. “Yeah, ok. I’ve got Just Karina on the left of me, Mary Tyler Whore on the right, and I’m stuck in the middle with luuuuubbbbbee.”
“Uber Luber? That dastardly man is there?”
“Nooooo,” I’m Drunk and 2x Whore yelled together. “But we have a Sex Doll Serial Killer… is that naughty enough for you?”
“Are Oh Shit! And No Panties No Problem in position?” attempted Primal Vagina.
“No, but you know you Can’t Rush Anal,” 2XWhore advised. “Not when you have Village Tool around, you might summon Boner Malfunction.”
“This is pointless, we have no way out of this,” Primal Vagina said in despair. “US Oh Oh OH and Thunderpussy HO have us trapped. We’re screwed.”
“No wait,” IDK held up a hand, noticing the gunfire had stopped. “I think… I think they’re making out. Go, go, go!” They rolled out of the bushes together, running off through the Presidio back into the city, where flying bullets would be out of place and their enemies would have to try much subtler tactics.
“Just act natural,” IDK My BFF Scott ordered, adjusting his tuxspeedo. They were on Clement Street, and Primal Vagina sighed with relief as she saw Squeal For Me and Ska Skank Redemption standing at one corner.
“The crow barks at twilight,” they said in unison.
“Only fools fall in love,” Ska Skank replied.
Zippercised emerged from a manhole and handed them an envelope, before climbing onto the back of the motorcycle Cockagami had pulled up on and speeding off into the distance.
Inside was an address and a code word. Primal Vagina and Zippercised with only a glance at each other set off towards the venue.
Inside, the lighting was dark, but both could clearly see multiple notorious criminals. Anaphylactic Cock was with her gang of ruffians including Just Get It Over With and Vagina Dentata, while ABBAA and Miss Delivery were clearly plotting in the corner. Hand Pump sat like a mafia boss at a table, May I Please Juggle Your Balls eagerly awaiting any request.
Primal Vagina pushed past Masterbaster and Hoseblower, only to be stopped by a hand on her shoulder.
“Do I … know you?” Cirque du So Lame looked her up and down.
“Uh, I don’t believe so,” she tried to continue, but Paki Sak and Dick Ass Mother Fucker had come up behind her, while Glad He Ate Her was blocking her left.
“Funny, because this was MY private party,” he gestured to Smell This and Dealt It, Felt It, Smelt It. “It seems your invitation has gone missing.” They began frogmarching her out.
“AT THIS TIME!” IDK My BFF Scott shot his water pistols in the air, leaping over Gondolorrhea at the bar and knocking Handidicked down in the process. Bust Her Hymen drew his weapon, and Tickle ME Homo prepared for an assault, but Dildo Baggins opted at the moment to blow his cover and took him out. Hoseblower, thinking quickly, set off the sprinkler system. Stinky Floss and Red Hot Vagina looked at each other, now soaking wet, shrugged, and continued to dance.
IDK My BFF Scott had meanwhile made his way to the shadowy table at the end of the room, where three figures set. He knocked Shaft Impacther out with kick, Just Mischief with a blow, and PO Box with well-timed paperwork.
“What is the meaning of this?” A voice came from the shadows.
“Your crimes have gone unpunished long enough,” IDK My BFF Scott answered. “The filthy depravity that emerges from your souls and infects the very heart of this city has gone unchecked. Normal criminals like Masterbaster and Full of Shit, we can handle. Even the foul doings of Alien Vs. Predator and Ranch on The Side I might be able to live with. But it turns my stomach to see the horrors of a warped mind and twisted spirit set loose upon the citizens of San Francisco.”
“Uh, okay?” Do Her Well shrugged. “I am sorry my taco eating offends you.” She stuffed an entire one with at least three meats in her mouth and swallowed.
“Your crimes go beyond your hungry mouth,” he replied, gesturing at Cockamole and T-Ball. “All three of you, scofflaws of normal societal conventions. You, Cockamole, in blackface, you, Do Her Well, pretending to be Native American, and you, T-Ball—we know you’re not really Asian.”
“IT’S FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY!” Cockamole exploded, upending a table.
“I just wanted to look hot,” Do Her Well added, and T-Ball nodded.
“No defense!” IDK My BFF Scott paused as Dildo Baggins gripped his shoulder and muttered in his ear. “Wait, that is a defense?” He nodded a bit. “Cool. Um. As you were.”
He slunk towards the door, Primal Vagina back-to-back with him to watch for any last minute attacks. “Have a good night everyone!”
Pizza Ass came out from the bathroom. “Why are you guys all wet?”
“Why aren’t you?” they replied, and Hoseblower set off the sprinklers again.