“I didn’t know I could be so… inspirational,” Brown Eye muttered from behind the impromptu bunker that Miss Delivery and Resting Slut Face had erected. Cirque du so Lame dove over it, cowering behind the bulky protuberance. It was the only thing holding back a maddened pack of harriettes making their demands known.

 

“They said… they said they weren’t willing to negotiate.”

 

One Night Only waved a reverse penis pump at them cheerfully, while Betty Cocker pulled out a ruler and dramatically cut it in two. Just Get It Over With lifted her scepter (Swiss Army model, complete with shears) and let an inhuman roar resound through the night. Cars swerved on Fell Street, John Handcock and Gobble My Ass scrambled for cover under the branches of Buena Vista, and the tourists at Twin Peaks found even more reason to clutch each other tightly.

 

Courage swelled up in the depths of Pepe Le Poop’s heart. “I will go!” he yelled, leaping out of the clutches of Sticky Fingers. “Raaah!” The call tapered off into a whimper. Got Wood winced.

 

“Looks like they cut him off at the knees,” Dick Simmons shouted from his command center.

 

“I’d say a bit higher,” Muff Daddy snickered.

 

“Someone has to negotiate with them,” Dickweed announced. “Someone that will… fulfill their demands.”

 

“Wouldn’t take much,” Just Doesn’t Get It muttered.

 

“Oh, yeah, well why don’t you go?” Brown Eye said tartly.


“I don’t qualify,” Just Doesn’t Get It thrust his hips forward.

 

“Neither do I!” yelled Boner Malfunction. As one, all the men’s fingers touched their noses, except for Whorifist, who proved his point by simply dropping his pants.

 

“And a Teeny Weeny shall lead us!” Sister Fister cried from the mass of women on the other side. She held up her new puppy, and the crowd yelled its approval.

 

“Big schlong, not for long!” chanted Do Her Well with a pair of garden shears held up high. Reverse Schoolgirl simply made do with a rusty hoe, but to the hashers’ sensibilities it was just as effective.

 

“Why is Hand Pump allowed over there then?” asked Udder Moron.

 

“Beer has that effect on me--  men.” Titty Boo Boo stuttered a bit. “Naturally they would corrupt his beermeister talents for their own despicable, naughty self-gratification.” Sheltered by the darkness of night, he blushed.

 

“So are we going to get circle started anytime soon?” Zippercised wandered over. “It’s getting late.”

 

“Yeah,” Mouth Down South agreed. “We’ve been out for a while now, when I’m running things it’ll be a lot shorter.”

 

“Are you not listening man!” Buck Fucka grabbed him by the lapels of his happi coat. “That’s exactly what they want!” He nodded over to where Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring and Cunty Butler had rolled out a gynecologist’s chair, stirrups fully extended.

 

“Don’t kinkshame,” Zippercised scolded. “Have you tried talking to them?” He grabbed Vagina Dentata and dragged him along. “Hey, Primal Vagina, we wanted to have an auction to benefit Puerto Rico, mind calling off the troops for a second.”

 

“Five dollars!” cried out Just Natalie. “For him, that’s a great deal!”

 

“No, it’s the coat…” muttered Zippercised, but Rent Whore had challenged with ten and they were off and running. Now I Know My STDs offered fifteen AND a free inspection, while Small Cock Chains one up’d her with an additional 69.  But Good Shit Lollicock, sensing a good deal, jumped in on the action and refused to be outbid, not even when Bitch’s Bitch offered his hand in marriage.

 

“Sorry, dear, it is for charity,” Just Get It Over With patted Vagina Dentata fondly. “And now, to the Castration!” The men found themselves surrounded. Douchicorn was pinned to the wall of the DMV, while Yessiryesshe’sfat found himself spread out over one of the metal barricades.

 

“I have to admit, this isn’t how I thought I would go,” Ru Ru Rimmin said tearfully.

 

“Can you please alert my attorney,” Fucker instructed Just Amie.

 

“Wait, wait!” Tonya Hardon waved a piece of paper. “The hare’s instructions! It says Castro Street, not Castration!”

 

“You’re doing this over instructions from the hare?” asked Just Keith incredulously.

 

“They damn well are following the hare’s instructions,” Brown Eye announced proudly. “Wait, those weren’t my instructions!”

 

“We need an impartial observer,” Primal Vagina grabbed World Wide Whore, who reflexively brought his legs together. “What does it say?”

 

World Wide Whore looked from the desperate faces of Wrinklepecker and Handidicked to the rather bored countenance of Cuming Mutha. “You’ll get used to this mate,” Cuming Mutha shrugged. “Not the worst treatment I’ve had all week, by far. Just make the call, we’re not here to fuck spiders you know.”

 

“I mean, I think I can make it out…” World Wide Whore squinted, Tricrapylete helpfully bringing up a flashlight. Weiner I Am and Double Man Cum held their breaths (their stash was poor quality that night), while Spongebob Sploogepants sobbed softly.

 

“It says castration…” World Wide Whore concluded.  “Sorry guys!”

 

 

The End