This entire group is a disgrace. I cannot begin to tell of the debauchery and flagrant misbehavior I observed when I dared to go outside last Monday night.

First, the weather was atrocious. Mouth Down South, Cockamole, and Brown Eye each get negative twelve stars. The sun wasn’t even out! I’ve never experienced so much drippage, not even after I finished that DVD Brown Eye gave me.

Second, I can’t believe how many people I had to put up with. Meh and Bierectional get negative 0.69 stars for bringing virgins (Ew.), while Slappy Snatch, Homo Erectus, Just Jeff, and Root And All can take a single star and shove it up their collective assholes. Bark Plug gets minus twenty stars for vying against our homeless population for hottest neighborhood pissing match. Remember, you can’t compete with experience. Likes It Small and Just Ben rate as their own category as transplants, we’ll reluctantly give Likes It Small gets an extra star because she is a woman. Just Ben gets nothing.

That’s not even to speak of the trail—Hand Pump and Hoseblower receive infinity stars for being smart enough to foist most of the work onto The Uniballer and Cream Chugger. They receive an additional double infinity stars for making me fatter with potatoes, bacon, cookies, and beer. Headqueen receive a microscopic star to represent how much of her I saw on trail.

I had to put up moronic behavior (including Udder Moron-ic behavior, minus five stars!) all evening long. Wee Wee gets minus seven stars for breaking her ass back in again, Millimeter Peter gets minus eight for being too much of an eagle to watch her go, while Fuck Buddy gets minus nine for not tossing us all into the canyon and putting us out of our misery. Cuming Mutha deserves an anti-star for every CM mark on trail, while Captain Organ should get minus fifty stars for not even knowing enough to follow them back to the beer. 

Just Zach, Just Andrew, and Just Rob all get minus eighty stars for not being named yet.

I’ll reluctantly award Butt Plug Fred two stars but one of them will be transferred to Gondalerrhea for leaving an even bigger butt plug with Hand Pump.

I hate putting up with all you assholes, but I hate it even more when you don’t cum. Squeal 4 Me, Weekend At Abba’s, Dick Ass Mother Fucker, Skankton, I’m Drunk, Raspukin, Cockulus Oculus, Big Cock Chains, Liverdance, Kerry’s Cumcakes, Crabs, and Dildo Baggins get minus three point one four stars for being too lazy to hash unless there is hot food.

Tuna On Top gets minus ninety eight point six stars for being perpetually ill.

Dick Simmons gets minus seventy stars taking pictures that make my ass look big.

My Little Porno, Tonya Hardon, and Circle Jerk get minus ten stars for having excellent hair.

The Perfect Woman gets five stars.

Chicken Bone Her, Cockulus Oculus, Tuna on Top, BlowQueen, Cunty Bulter, Mary Tyler Whore, My Little Porno, Gondolerrhea, Three Fingers and One Night Only get fifty stars for Hand Pump Workday attendance, so please adjust your tallies accordingly. Just Doesn’t Get It receives minus eighty stars driving the Workday Getaway Vehicle a la Vin Diesel, but not planting anything beside me, or even within me. Tears of Semen gets a single star as a tracking device to use for Blowqueen.

Got Wood gets two because he has none.

Miss Delivery opens up Fucker’s package to find five whole stars.

Muff Daddy will charge me seven stars for reading this trash.

But last, and certainly least—the most disgraceful of them all is Just Chris, who gets negative infinity stars in perpetuity for highly effective Yelp trolling.