Heya SFH3! I wrote a ReHash for my EH3-ers. It's long and hard like your trail and for those who like dirty novellas, read on:
Hares: Cheese Turd and DaVinci Load
Hounds: Lotsa sexy Hash fuckers including Beer Meister Hand Pump, The Good Shot/Shit Lolly Cock, Oh Shit! the Birthday Boy, Cherry Poopins my gracious host, Smells Like Fish Tastes Like Kosher Bacon, Sit on My FaceBook, I Love the Taste of My Dick in the Morning, Just Nick, No Shit, Just Kara, Just Dani, Bitch’s Bitch, Whole Blow Out, Lost in Foreskin, Straight to Hell, Crabs, Dead Beat, Voyeur, BackWash a tardy Red Hot Vagina, and I know there’s more but even Ms. InterAm can’t get the names of 60 different Hashers all in one night even if she can get samples of their bodily fluids.
Fresh off the plane I made my way to tall, thin and neat Cherry Poppins lovely home where he had agreed to host me out of the kindness of his dick and his commitment to supporting wayward Hashers. We were running ridiculously late and were about 23 blocks from the start where the pack was moments from leaving. I know Cherry was thinking we could run there and pick up trail and I was thinking I’m half your height and twice the width with no sense of direction. Then, suddenly, from the middle of the intersection, cat calls - “Hey, Cherry – you wanna ride? You like the taste of my dick in the morning?” It was Just Nick and I Love the Taste of Dick in the Morning or something like that. I immediately screamed, “YES! HE LOVES YOUR DICK!” So they pulled over and I gave them spank yous and introduced myself.
We made it to the start in time and after a quick screaming birthday dry hump for Oh Shit! I went looking for the beer. Turns out SFH3 does not start their Hash with beer. Dishonor! It might slow them down and they’re all very concerned about winning the Hash. Dis-Fucking-Honor!! The hares were so concerned about getting in first that they skipped the beer check and didn’t bother to mark the second half of the trail. “What is this?!” I thought, “A running club???” It was a good thing I was there with the Zombie Killer in tow.
There were an ungodly number of hills and the trail was long and hard. I did my best to represent the racist EH3-ers who have been punishing me with Oregon Hills and ran them all. Slowly for sure but if you’re going to make it long and hard I’m gonna want to go slow.
The trail made its hilly way to the beach via circle jerks that I mostly avoided. I learned quickly not to follow Straight to Hell not only because he has a worse sense of direction than I do but also because he apparently has no penis. He said he had it removed because he was tired of it dragging on the ground all the time. My teeny tiny taco shuddered at that thought.
No Shit and I had some nice murky moments in the shiggy as we discussed his upcumming nuptials. I tried to make him do most of the talking because he has a sexy accent and I had a need to suck serious wind.
SFO was nice enough to arrange for an actual clear day so I got a glorious view of the beach. Right around the giant windmills no one could find any trail. Bitch’s Bitch actually followed the marks down to the beach where the trail ended. Either the hares didn’t know about what we call “High Tide” or they’re just a couple of assholes. Judging by the lack of beer on trail I’d say they were assholes.
Oh Shit! was nice enough to play tour guide and took me into a lovely old building with glorious tile work and architecture and a model of the park. He showed me exactly where we would be short cutting! Running through the park we happened upon Cherry Poppins and Bitch’s Bitch who had just been out circling the park for extra mileage. As the four of us meandered through the park I inquired as to the lack of boob checks. One was immediately created for me with Oh Shit!’s hands and thus the Guerilla Boob Check was invented. I then created a Guerilla Cock Check so I could get mine too!
We meandered through the park and ran straight into a giant chunk of the pack wandering aimlessly around as if there were no marks to follow. And indeed there were no marks to follow. Cherry had generously lent me a flask for the evening so I called out for an impromptu Tequila Check.
Oh Shit! asked me if I wanted to see the buffalo. I thought it was code for something scandalous so I said hell yes. Turns out it was just buffalo. They were still pretty cool. And they were close to the on in where there was beer!! Just Dani was nice enough to share some of her mixers with me so I could polish off the last of my Tequila. I introduced myself to Crabs and Whole Blow Out and let them know I had something special for the circle.
Circle was glorious and it was an enthusiastic bunch. The hares were reviled, the B2B organizers rubbed up and down on and various crimes were outed.
And then it was the Zombie Killer’s time to shine! I reviewed the story of Cherry Poppins finally making a Zombie Killer for his hash to be presented on his birthday at B2B. He drunkenly handed it to Barely ManBelow who would be running religion and then the rain hit and religion was moved inside where beer spillage was no good. Barely “forgot” to give it back. Knowing I was cumming down, we spread our EH3 juices all over it and here I was with the World’s Most BADASS Zombie Killer filled with fringe, love and flying cocks. Cherry Poppins was finally able to have his way with it and it came all over him in a glorious spoooooge! He was followed by Lost in Foreskin and Oh Shit! the Birthday Boy who had a reDICKulous cake made all over him. The pics say it all!
There is much love in the EH3 for the SFH3 so I hope it is not stolen too terribly soon.
Religion ended but Hash Gods love her, Sit on My Facebook was not content to end the night without seeing my boobs! Folks were brought back around and I did a rousing rendition of Bust a Boob where I remembered all the words. Oh Shit! covered in cake got the coveted #5 position and I got cake motor-boated directly into my boobs.
Everyone came and we were then ready to get trashed at the on after. Voyeur told me how much he loved my boobs and Head Queen and Head Queen’s boobs too. I had a lovely make out session with Red Hot Vagina who was looking more Red Hot than ever. Thanks to Sit on My Facebook, Dead Beat, Hand Pump and The Good Shit Lolly Cock I puked tequila twice before my first meeting on Tuesday. Honor!! And never again...until the next time!!
All in all I had a shitty time getting shitty at the SFH3. I hope to have the opportunity to do everyone again and maybe catch a few more names this time. Any EH3-ers who travel to the region are required to attend and show some bits and pieces and bring a road beer.
Mucho Super Duper Hashy Love to the SFH3,
Tequila Cocking Bird