R~n 1566: The Barf Mile R~n
Reflecting on the SFH3 2012 Beer Mile, my stomach quivers at the thought of all the bodily fluids spilled in the sidewalk and the bay. If the trash’s name does not reflect my feeling for this event then maybe the Barf-O- Rama Scene will give you clue of how this night went down. I have to give many props to the wankers in the stand for keeping their lunches and dinners in place. A big shout to all those who participated in this finely disgusting event. The puke fest managed to attract 47.5 wankers plus two fast running bitches. The night graced us with some great r-nning whether, cold ass beers and a beautiful view of the Bay Bridge. The keg was a sweet nectar from heavens named Racer-Cinco By the time religion came around there were fewer than twenty bodies around. The hot female duo RA of WBH and WWATWH were on point and didn’t let LIF fuck up their show. The pint size R-5 down down beer was enough to keep LIF quiet for the entire night..... He only had four down downs..... Could this be reason he was so quiet?
The radio said it’s 7:18 AM on this fine Tuesday morning. I wake up to a severely dried mouth, which made me wonder; did I cross the fucking desert last night? Why do my leg and hip hurt? Why am I laying with my head towards the foot board of the bed? Why do I have my jeans on still? Where the fuck is my I Phone? Did I buy a Gatorade last night? Why does my 49ers shirt smell like beer? I have more questions than answers so I decide seek the mystery orange Gatorade, I found it and gulp it in two giant sips. My brain refreshes and suddenly the stench of beer on my shirt reminded me, Yes!! It wasn’t a dream: THE SFH3 2012 BEER MILE did happened last night. I proceed to rewind last night’s tape and finally I answered my own questions. It went something like this:
6:00 PM it’s almost time to go to the much anticipated 2012 Beer Mile. I wonder what the turn out will be? I can’t wait for the LIF vs. WYD match.
6:15 PM Shit I forgot my shirt now I’m going to be late. Ah no big deal I’ll walk over to go to Burlington at 5th and Howard and buy one.
6:27 PM Arrive at store where I noticed there are more police than civilians in the street. WTF is going on here?
6:35 PM I leave the store with my fresh 49ers shirt. I remove all tags and proceed to change in the middle of the sidewalk. I get strange looks.
6:37 PM I over hear someone asking “Where the fuck is Obama?” All the dots connect, the police cars, the whole block closed, bomb squad..... I’m fucked now I’m going to be really late.
6:40 PM Now I’m later they are probably starting now. I arrive at 5th and Mission to catch the 14L but the street is a parking lot. The traffic is not moving at all!
6:41 PM Under my breath, I cursed Obama and his entourage for making me late to the event. I look around for the secret service agents to tackle me to the ground and arrest me for threatening the national security.
6:45 PM Change of plans ....I will take BART and get there faster. As usual the train is departing as I get to the bottom of the stair. I wait 4 more minutes for the Dublin Pleasanton train.
6:52 PM After a quick run from BART, I arrive at the embarcadero. I don’t have to look for the start; the loud crowd clearly shows me the way.
6:55 PM I arrive at the start where Camel Toe has just finished his second beer and takes off
6:55.5 PM I take a quick glance at the beer that Hand Pump is handing out: Budweiser & Coors Light. My
stomach churns in disapproval and I know it’s going to be a long night ahead.
6:57 PM I move on to the cheering section where I joined Do Her Well, Just Doesn’t get it, Fuck Buddy, John Handcock and Gobble My Ass
7:00 PM I lose track of time and start enjoying the shit show that is unfolding before my very own eyes.
Eat My Pussy is on his third lap and fast approaching the finish line . Before he picks the beer he barfed missing the finish line by 6.9 inches. He claimed it was only a spit but the evidence was on the sidewalk. We all knew he ate Mexican food. JDGI offered him a Bologna sandwich which he declined before moving to complete his last lap.
mmPeter arrives at the finish line for his last lap where he chucks his beer and heads out to chase EMP. EMP is observed going into the bushes, no one can state for the record whether he went to barf again or stopped for a quickie with the Stupid Arrow’s resident homeless man.
Camel Toe is on a mission to podium. He is just a few seconds behind mmP. He arrived at the table grabbed his beer adjusted this name sake, pounded his beer and took off like a bat out of hell.
The all-girl relay team of Just Mackenzie & Co approaches the finish line and they all share a beer. Why wouldn’t each one run a leg of the event and have a beer is beyond my comprehension but who am I to judge?
Wee Wee All The Way Home is about a 100 meters from the beer table...50m... 30m...10m and then she moves over to the slow lane where she proceeds to ‘spit’ in her hand but the spit ball was larger than she thought so she dashes over to the bay where she proceeds to let it all out. Do Her Well informed the pack that the evidence showed WWATWH ate vegan Thai food for lunch.
Just Dominika has been lapped even though she ran with the aid of a bitch named Lola. In an attempt to keep her lunch where it had been for the past 5 hours she decided to quit the race on her second lap. What a shame I was enjoying the show and did not even have to drop dollars for it.
Davinci Load finishes with a strong performance but blames the slow time due to running with his prison wallet on his hand
Perfect Woman sashes to the finish line where he proceeds to refresh his makeup and straighten his sun dress .
Do More Stupid stumbles past the finish line where he’s overheard macking on Just Mackenzie in Spanish. “Hola Mack soy DMS.... Blah blah”
Po Po Shit Show is observed r~n walking his last lap because his ovaries are hurting but he’s not quitting.
Overall the Silver Bullet Heat was fast, furious and barfy. Silver Bullet Heat
Shaft - 9:22 DQ
Wee Wee - DNF
Eat My Pussy - 7:52 DQ
The Perfect Woman - 11:10
Do More Stupid - 14:23
I'm Fucking Matt Damon - 13:02
Bitches Bitch's Bastard - 11:24 Just Ross – DNF
Just Ashley - 15:13
Po-Po Strip Show - 10:37 Millimeter Peter - 10:33 Analweiss - 12:34
Just Tomas - 18:37
Just Dominika - DNF Camel Toe - 9:58
Da Vinci Load - 8:39 Freudian Slip - 13:49 DQ Just Mackenzie - 13:49 DQ Just Sally - DNF
Just Crichelle - DNF
The second heat was a smaller cozier affair where yours truly had the pleasure to run with the fastest harriete, Gobble My Ass along with John Handcock, Beer Mike, Lost In Foreskin, Weiner I Am and Just Mike. Weiner approached the starting line where Line judge extraordinaire Whole Blowout shouted “Weiner I thought you are under doctor’s orders to not run” he shrugged and proceeded to get his beer. After a quick consultation with Hand Pump, Bacon and No Panty No Problem, Weiner was allowed to participate in the event.
LIF pounded his beer and took off to chase EMP’s record since that was the time to beat. As I finished my starting beer next to GMA I could see LIF al the halfway marked. I did what any other hasher would have done, pretended I drank the beer and took off. ...I’m fat and slow not stupid! There was no way I was getting lapped on my second BM appearance.
King Of Beers Heat
Weiner I Am - DNF
Lost in Fiveskin - 10:08 (8:49 + Penalty Lap) Good Shit Lollicock - 11:30
John Handcock - 10:09
Just Alex - 11:10 (9:28 + Penalty Lap)
Beer Biker - DNF
Gobble My Ass - 10:21
The Barf Heat
I Am Wienerpuke ran a solid quarter mile fast furious and toe to toe with LIF. He came in 45 second behind the “I used to be champ”. LIF showed him his chugging abilities and split. Weiner nursed his beer like a new born baby then took off fast furious and BAMM he stop in front of the SFPD cruiser and let it out. Total mile covered for this wanker was 3/8 of a mile.
Eat my Pussy’s Barf was the first wanker that started the puke fest and the first to be disqualified for not running the mandatory penalty lap. EMP is a fast lasy, had he ran the penalty lap, he would’ve shattered LIF and all other fast times of the night.
Shaft Me Barf Me Baby ran a solid mile but once he crossed the finish line, the carbonation gods were not happy with his performance. They send him a lightning bolt that produced a projectile matter that travel at 0.33 meters per second giving his bitch a Budweiser shower.
Just Mike followed in I Am Weinerpuke footsteps with a little bit more class. He went past the SFPD cruiser and kneeled down not to puke his new vibrant glove shoes. JM showed he knew the beer mile rules and ran the penalty lap. I will name JM to be a contender in the 2015 BM contest.
The Barf Heat
Shaft me barf me baby
Eat My Pussy’s Barf
Lost In Forepuke
Wee Wee all the way to the bay to vomit. [I really just wanted to make her name just a bit longer ] Just BarfMike
I Am Wienerpuke
1. DaVinci Load - 8:39
2. Camel Toe - 9:58
3. Lost in Fourskin (or is it Foreskin? Who the fuck cares) - 10:08
1. Gobble My Ass - 10:21
2. The Perfect Woman - 11:10 3. Just Ashley - 15:13