Who's Your Daddy paced back and forth hurriedly, shoes gleaming in the darkness of night. "I mean, it really could be any of them that he goes with, I should have as much of a chance in all rights, if not more. I'm a classy bitch."

 

"He's freaking out," Ska Skank confided to no one in particular. "I haven't seen him this nervous since he was auditioning for The Mole."

 

"Look," Who's Your Daddy turned and pointed at her. "I've been putting lots of effort into haring, and hashing, and drinking for years. You? You're a rank amateur in comparison to me. What have you got to offer him..."

 

"Cash?" Muff Daddy guessed, then his face paled as he patted the pockets of his jacket. "Oh. Oh shit." Ska Skank rolled her eyes and wandered off to find the beer.

 

"I've made Hand Pump's life a dream, ever since the day I met him," Who's Your Daddy continued. "Take tonight's trail. Does Hand Pump get to run it? Yes.'

 

"That's because he gave me the keys to the van!" Muff Daddy's voice ran thick with anxiety. He was crawling underneath the chassis, then just as quickly diving under the next vehicle, and the next."

 

"Did we go past a fabulously decorated house? Yes."

 

"Look what I found!" Fleshlight crowed, lifting an eleven foot tall tree above himself. "Do you think Hand Pump will like it?"

 

"Cheater!" Hissed Who's Your Daddy. "No matter. How can he resist the fancy bottle of champagne I got him?"

"You brought one too?" Little Sissy Pants Hasher Boy stepped forward. "Oh good, I wasn't sure that the four I brought would be enough. Oh, and hey, is Muff Daddy missing the cash? Cause I found it."

 

"Look man, it's okay," Tricrapylete patted him on the back. "It's a stiff competition around here." He pointed over to where Cream Chugger was adding devastatingly red lipstick to Stinky Floss's mouth. Golden Snowball, Do Her Well, and Fuck Norris were admiring the work she had already completed. "With that lot I'm not sure we ever stood a chance."

 

"Yeah," Good Shit chimed in. "Did you see Deadbeat brought two virgins? Two! I didn't think he could even find one half. And you know how Hand Pump loves virgins."

 

"I saw Blowfish with this really young dude," Weiner I Am added. "Do you think she brought him for Hand Pump as well?"

 

"Man, that's her son," Dickweed retorted.

 

"Yeah, well did she?" asked Weiner I Am.

 

"You guys, Hand Pump did it! He gave out his rose." They all turned to look at Just Doesn't Get It. "And it was to The Uniballer."

 

"Huh," said Tricrapylete.

 

"Makes sense," said Good Shit.

 

"I guess you were right, I never really stood a chance," Who's Your Daddy admitted, and turned back to get another beer.