tl;dr
beer, boobies, and pie
 
 

Last night we had our anal FHAC-U takeover of the SFH3. As promised, I made sure to thoroughly FHAC it up. I took half a day off work to prelay the trail, and I needed every second of it. It takes a long time to prelay 2 true-trail arrows per block. Considering that 90% of the trail marks were true-trail and boobies and I went through 3 pieces of chalk, it's no wonder my legs feel like I did 7 miles of lunges. Fuck, I'm out of shape. Anyway...

 
The trail was off to a good start with the police making their presence known, as they are apt to do at the majority of FHAC-U trails. Hand Pump, having his fair share of brushes with the law, clearly gave no fucks when he parked the beer van di-erectly in front of the patrol car, stating "Well, he's not going to stay there all day!" The pack milled around at the start, side-eyeing the group of civilians doing yoga in front of Vaillancourt Fountain. Although police presence kept the FHACers from prelubing, the hare knew there was no need to worry. I asked for a 2 minute HEAD start, took off, and strolled 0.17 mile straight to the first bar check: Pizza Orgasmica. 
 
Things went slightly tits up at that point though, with about 1/3 of the pack twitching uncomfortably outside the pizza place not knowing what to do with themselves, 1/3 of the pack cheering as they got in line for beer, and the remaining 1/3 inching hesitantly inside, lured by the warmth of pizza ovens and merry energy of the FHACers. Eventually the FRB types found a true-trail arrow down the block and I was glad I prelaid the damn thing. As we finished our pizza and beer the racists were kept occupied with a FHAC-U / SFH3 split up the Greenwich St steps to Koit Tower. Their ambition was rewarded with a trek up 269 steps (or something), view checks, food on trail (blackberries), boobies, hare taunting ("San Francisco Suck My Balls"), and a descent via Filbert St: a street so steep it has steps carved into the sidewalk (sorry I'm not sorry). Trail continued through Chinatown (I tell you what, it's a bitch to prelay Chinatown at rush hour) and fortunately most of the prelaid marks did not succumb to the angry brooms of Chinese shopkeepers. 
 
Racists and FHACers arrived at bar check #2, Bamboo Hut, at about the same time and the hare was pleased. It was only 7:15, and surely everyone would be in the mood for a volcano bowl or two! NOPE. Once again racist hash instincts took over and the FRBs found my prelay around the corner a block and a half away. Dammit! Despite my warnings that I hadn't finished prelaying the trail, that 1/3 of the pack were off. It was at this point I decided we were going to drink our damn volcano bowls and the racists could run the trail twice if they got bored. 
 
After we had finished defiling Bamboo Hut (who am I kidding, the Gypsies defiled that place LOOONG ago), the SFH3 crossover contingent hijacked trail and took off in search of another bar, their sights set on Mr. Bing's. The hare did her best to keep up and managed to mark a BN across the street from Mr Bing's, only to find that the proprietors had sensed our arrival and double-barred the door. Shitballs! I ran back and marked through the BN with a JK, much to the consternation of those behind. Shortly after that the SFH3ers disappeared into Chinatown, leaving the hare in the dust. I decided that if anyone was going to hijack my trail it was going to be ME and rerouted my marks to lay an extra credit BN outside bar #2.5, Tunnel Top. Finally free of racists, the FHACers enjoyed beer and live jazz while the hare wondered if the SFH3 crew would appreciate the boobies outside the Victora's Secret store and the extra credit FHAC-U food check next to a sausage cart. Meanwhile the front runners of the pack had been di-erected to Lefty O'Douls, bar check #3, where they turned down the bartender's offer of a "water station" in favor of PBR. Acceptable hash behavior :) Afterward, the enterprising FRBs once again located my incomplete prelay a couple of blocks from the bar and managed to follow the on-out trail ahead of schedule. GAH!
 
Eventually we drank our fill at Tunnel Top and the hare learned that the other 2/3 of the pack had already arrived at the beer neer due to the improvising coharing of Hand Pump, who marked trail where the hare's prelay had left off. Concerned that all the pie would be eaten before the hare arrived, I decided we didn't have time to finish my trail and I shortcut us to the beer neer (and there was much rejoicing). Here we ate cream pies and drank Deschutes Fresh Squeezed IPA, and enjoyed an SFH3 420 check courtesy of a pipe purchased on trail that contains a built-in radio (?!?). Only in San Francisco... We socialized until the city decided it was time to get rid of the trash and drove a garbage truck through our gathering. We took this as our cue to leave and I finished laying the .5 mile drunken stumble back to the start. This is one thing SFH3 and FHAC-U have in common and for once everyone felt at home. 
 
I don't know how long the trail was because I don't use one of those racist garmin things, but one of the SFH3ers told me he was at 4.9 miles at the beer and pie check. So I'd guess the FHAC-U trail was just under 3 miles, meeting my 1 drink per mile goal. At circle there was an RA tag-team between Wee Wee Wee All The Way Home and Nothing Interesting (our Benevolent Tyrant), the SFH3 hashers did NOT eat all the pie (clearly we didn't have enough fat bastards), the hare was drunk and almost lost her wallet, Nothing Interesting got a pie in the face, we killed the keg, and some other things happened but at this point everything got hazy. Self-appointed hash scribe Broken Boner can fill in the gaps in my tiny memory. We went ononon to Elephant and Castle and some other things happened and the hare got a ride home to Redwood City, and was only half saddened to miss out on the entertainment of Midnight Caltrain. The end.
 
You guys, THANK YOU SO MUCH for coming to my trail (and thank you even more for reading this shit, lol). I'm honored that you trusted that I would lay something decently entertaining yet still r*nner-friendly and took the time and effort to show up. You are welcome to join us in the southbay anytime you muster up the courage to leave the city (yeah, right). A big shout out to Yellow Prick Load, Today is Monday, Got Wood, and Nothing Interesting for reppin the FHAC-U on this very FHACed up trail. Glad to have you up in the city. I think I might have agreed to do another FHAC-U style trail when Hand Pump is on vacation, but maybe it was an alcohol-induced hallucination. Surely Who's Your Daddy would not be that foolish...