Welcome, everyone. All paid up? Yes, I’m Drunk, we will accept sexual favors, thank you very much. Got your cameras at the ready? Ok, let’s load up and set off on San Francisco Luxury Tours.  Now if you will, please follow Mr. Cockagami to the vehicle. I promise you he’s an excellent driver, five stars. Smooth as butter. Why are you hesitating? Look, ever since the San Francisco Bike Coalition banned tour busses we’ve had to make some changes. Come on, you will all fit. It’s a luxury size SmartCar. Hurry up, we’ve got a schedule to keep.

Now on your left… what’s the disturbance? What do you mean you’re calling the cops? I don’t care that you’re Cheeseturd’s ex-lover. Permit? I’m going to permit you to leave. Thank you.

As I was saying, on your left you will see Lone Mountain, a monument to higher education. Look to your right, and you shall see another monument—a statue of Crabs ever pointing the way forward. He was erected here twenty years ago. Leave your offerings of beer at his feet please. Mr. Millimeter Peter, why are you sitting up there all by yourself? Crabs is telling us to go this way.

Continuing on—no, Miss Cunty Butler. Please don’t hand Mr. Boo Boo your keys. He is very intoxicated. We will arrange transportation for you both later on.

Now we make our way into Golden Gate Park. You can see the arrows on the sidewalk pointing the way. NASA is currently using them as a landmark for gravity assist trajectories. Please don’t disturb them.

We are ready for our mid-tour show. Red Dress Runners, all ready to go? Perfect Woman, where is Ska-Skank? Still drunk? Ok, that’s acceptable. Wrap it up, though, I’ve got another tour starting in twenty.

Moving along through the park, you’ll note several people sleeping in the bushes. We have forms available if you, too, would like to apply for housing here. $20 deposit, non-refundable. Rent starts at $850 per month, an absolute steal.

Entering the hash grove, we have the figures of Bitch Pimp and Gloryhole standing watch. Please stop a moment to pray to them for mercy. MUG, I could see your eyes were open. Please start again.

Now I’d like to take a moment to recognize some members of our tour. Miss Primal Vagina, it’s not Halloween, but dressing up like Miss Roman Showers was a welcome addition to our tour. We won’t pay you for the entertainment though.

We also have some faces we haven’t seen in a long while. Miss Doggy Style, I hope the SLuTs are treating you well. And Captain Organ… where did he go? Shit.  Um.  Shoot.

Now what’s the commotion over there? Miss Delivery, Mr. Boo Boo, take your seats immediately! Yes, I know Mr. Blowqueen has a slappable ass. Yes, I can see it is quite red. Please cease and desist until he is back in the Castro, thank you very much. 

Alright, everyone out. Mr. Just Doesn’t Get It has helped by setting marks on the sidewalk back to your vehicles. Yes, I know they a bit… squiggly. No, they are not organic arrows. Any other questions? Good. Go away.