Listen up, humans, there is a new top dog in town, and his name is Just Stan. I can see from last Monday’s shameful display that there needs to be some shaking up with this poor excuse for a pack.

Let’s start with my so-called “owner,” a fellow you call Masterbaster. I followed him while he wandered aimlessly around the neighborhood with Now I Know My STDs—has she even had her heartworm vaccination, by the way? I certainly am up to date on all shots, ladies and gents, just saying.

At first I wasn’t sure what they were up to, but as the night unfolded it became clear that the reason they dragged me up and down all those fucking hills was so they could do the same to you! And you let them! I’m putting you all on notice, I’m taking this flour and will be responsible from now on for all this trail business, and you’ll think that the their trail was a breeze in comparison. Cockamole, Just Get It Over With, and Chicken Bone Her were the beginning! You’ll be lucky if you get away with one broken bone. If you bring me treats I may just give you a trail map, but you have to give me a belly rub too if you want one that’s not covered in piss.

You humans are just too foolish for words. What would possess you to run 26 mile (oh excuse me, I forgot the 0.2, aren’t you precious for thinking that’s a big deal). You know what dogs can do? We can drag your sorry asses for one thousand miles through the icy cold. It’s called the Iditarod, and we didn’t do it for fun, we did it so children could get their medication. And nowadays for snacks and knowing we are good boys. At least Cockamole and Bitch’s Bitch managed to drag their asses out of bed the next day and show their sorry faces so we could make fun of their menstrual cramps and aerial acrobatics. By the way, Ska Skank, pace yourself on your Facebook marathoning, I can smell a stress fracture coming on.

Thank god you people have a Man like Hand Pump to keep you from injuring yourselves. Not only did He prevent I’m Drunk from breaking the beer in his delirium, but He also knows how to scratch right behind the ears, you know what I’m talking about, Just Tanya. I hear He can pirouette better than you, too. He and Double Man Cum are joining me on the road later this year to tour the country, we’ll be on Letterman before you know it, just watch.

What do you mean it’s cancelled?

Well fuck, I was going to insult Gaylord Fucker and all the rest of you for thinking your brown coats were prettier than my black one, but now I’m going to go sit in the corner and lick my ass until I feel better.

I’ll see you all next week at Wet Nurse’s trail at the Presidio Sports Basement. I’m looking forward to buying a new pair of shoes to pee in. 

No animals inside? Well, I’ll be sure to warn any if I see them trying to sneak in.