The City of San Francisco, evidently, hates Lost in Foreskin. He had been looking forward to his precious Beer Mile for, literally, all day (true story) -- so much so that he showed up to the r*n start at 6:15pm. That'sMuff Daddy early. And what did LIF find at Kezar Stadium? Locked gates. No access. So, of course, there was denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, interspersed with the sorry sight of him sobbing hysterically. In the rain. But, you ask, was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? No! Our Hare LIF got out his Dick Fucking Tracy wristwatch and GPS'd an eighth of a mile (ish) down Frederick Street, marked it "turn around here, dumbass", and commenced the inaugural SFH3 Beer Mile (in 2 heats).
The Caguama Heat:
1) Who's Your Daddy, 9:58
2) just Ophelia, 10:16
3) John Handcock, 10:25
4) DaVinci Load, 10:29
5) Cherry Poppins, 11:44
6) Good Shit Lollicock, 12:45
7) just Cheyenne, 12:55
8) Straight 2 Hell, DNF (his pussy hurt)
The Tecate Heat:
1) Lost in Foreskin, 8:02 (pending - he may have only r*n 3 laps)
2) Blowqueen, 10:12
3) Popeye's Bitch, 10:33 (impressive considering his beer was Live Free or Die IPA)
4) Tears of Semen, 11:01
5) Cuming Mutha, 11:12 (oldest competitor prize)
6) just Brent, 11:50
7) My Uncle's Girlfriend, 11:58
8) Fist Grader, DNF (duty called)
Most of SFH3's senior citizens abstained for the proceedings, notably Just Doesn't Get It, Rocky Mountain Oyster, Glory Hole, Muff Snatcher, Raspukin, Oh Shit, and Voyeur. Cowardice is the better part of valor.
Trail through Golden Gate Park followed, and was dark, wet, and mostly uneventful, save for Bitches Bitchtripping over a "camper," who was reasonably pissed off. First to arrive at the beer check at the Sharon Building, besides Hand Pump, was Can't Rush Anal, mostly because she got a ride there from Hand Pump. No witnesses would come forward to report if the van had been rocking.
Circle was enlivened by the emergence, from a taxi, of sexy birthday girl just Katrina and her foxy friendsjust Anna and just Holly. RA Crabs knows exactly where circle should be held exactly one year from today. Just Stacy drank for being in the "bathroom" during her first call to drink, then was named Tuna Jerky, from a conversation about flowers in which she interjected "I love tuna jerky!" Muff Daddy drank for not wearing his trademark silver jacket. Well, he "drank" his down-down down his ass crack. Lovely. Can't Rush Anal drank for wearing Muff Daddy's trademark silver jacket. Hypothermia must have been closing in for her to don that thing. Can't Rush Anal also drank for wasting money on coconut juice instead of drinking free beer at the beer check. See also: Van, rocking (Op. cit). Just Ophelia was proclaimed winner of the woman's Beer Mile, not only for speed, but for drinking a beer before the competition even began. She's a hasher through and through. Westward Ho -- we hate to see you go (Swaziland?) in about 2 weeks ... drank for tapping on her iPhone during down-downs. Cream La Queefa drank as a visitor, and probably for other crimes as well. It was late. The Hares LIF and WYD drank for the glorious greatness that had ensued.
Somehow, wHole Blow Out, Tasty Bacon, Slug, Do Her Well and Sit On My Facebook escaped the Beer Mile and punishment for missing same. Next year: rules! Also, maybe, prizes!
The canned beer got drained, the keg of Mirror Pond got kicked, and the pack repaired to Kezar Pub for more. If you missed this hash, Peekabooby truly feels sorry for you. On on.