Beer Mile: Behind the Budweiser

 

"I didn't understand it at the time. I mean, I had been the champion the year before, and suddenly the whole pack was going so much faster. It was unreal." Deadbeat looked straight at the camera. "But now, it all makes sense."

 

*Voiceover*

As a sport, beer mile exploded in popularity at the turn of the century, with thousands of newcomers aiming to become the next superstar. Sponsorships were plentiful, teams actively searched local watering holes for undiscovered talent, development clubs caught kids straight out of college. But such attention had its price.

 

"Everyone's doing it. Everyone. You can not be a part of beer mile without trying something out. Me? I did a little bit of everything. Everything except the iron stomach." Wrinklepecker shuddered.

 

*V/O*

Searching for the slightest edge, athletes quickly took advantage of the poor regulations and sometimes haphazard management that surrounded beer mile. Performance enhancing drugs were surreptitiously traded-- from stimulants and hormones to stomach paralytics and peripheral liver implants.  An entire economy developed amongst the beer mile athletes.

 

"Yeah, I traded shit." Double Man Cum shrugged. "I thought they just wanted to get high at first. I was just doing it to be nice. But the effects on appetite, I guess that made a difference. I'm not a charity."

 

*V/O*

As illegal drug use exploded, the Drinking Union Internationale struggled to catch up to the evolving doping practices. Upon identification of potential illegal practices, a handful of athletes were swiftly and unilaterally banned from the sport.

 

"I was clean the entire time." Who's Your Daddy coughed. "The entire time. It's not my fault I have a high resting BAC. I was born that way. But I got caught up in the witchhunt."

 

*V/O*

Cunty Butler led the charge in instituting new doping controls and stricter monitoring.

 

"What's in the past is in the past. We're running a tighter ship now. We've taken down the pictures of Lost In Foreskin and Dual Tools Up My Ass, and the photo of ABAA is in my private collection. We have a blood passport that athletes participate in, we note the irregular values. We have mandatory urine tests before and after competition. And if you can't pass urine after beer mile? Definite cheater."

 

*V/O*

But there are those that disagree with the newer, strict regulations. Do Her Well in particular has been outspoken on behalf of her fellow women.

 

"Women's beer mile has always been clean. These women work hard, they pay for their own transportation, many of them hold down steady jobs, all because of their love of the sport. And now we have to suffer the consequences of the bullshit the men bring to the table? Don't get me wrong, the Mandatory Vaginal Inspections have not been entirely bad, it's brought some great competitors like Primal Vagina to the table. But do we have to lose our privacy for something that's just a theoretical concern?"

 

"Do Her Well, isn't it true that Miss Delivery and Resting Slut Face started competing as men after the inspections were instituted?" asked the interviewer.

 

"That's no one's business but their own. Is this interview over? I'm done here."

 

"Oh come on, you can't just leave." The camera cuts to Heracknophobia. "This isn't the half of the issues in women's beer mile. No one talks to each other outside of competition. No one. They all are --"

 

"Look, this is all the time we're getting," Primal Vagina interrupted, "So can we at least try to work together here?"


"You assholes are ruining my exit." Do Her Well stormed out.

 

*V/O*

Others also voiced their concerns about the changing state of the sport.

 

"Nowhere does it say you can't have a dog. Nowhere. You show me in the rulebook where there can be no dog, and I'll show you my letter from my attorney about how you are in violation of the ADA. This whole thing is the very definition of the Special Olympics anyway." Just Eric's dog barked in agreement. "He wasn't even allowed to start my first beer. Not cool, man. Not cool."

 

"They said I wasn't old enough. Me." Cockagami crossed his arms. "I said it was my birthday, and they said 'fuck you.'"

 

*V/O*

But some, like Cherry Poppins, were more optimistic.

 

"The confidence that is in the sport is invaluable. The sport has paid its DUES, if you know what I mean, and I think you DUE."

 

"There's money to be made, regardless," added Shoeless Joe Jackson. "There's always a winner."

 

"So we made it right. The information was out there, we knew who had done what. We're sticking by our results now. The winners are legit." Cunty Butler gave a wry smile. "Now it's anyone's game."

 

 

SFH3 2015 Official Beer Mile Times 

 

Place

Name

Time

 

1

Dual Tools Up My Ass

06:59

DQ'd: Bribee

2

ABAA

07:41

DQ'd: Illegal pants

3

Lost In Foreskin

07:50

DQ'd: Excessive consumption

4

Who's Your Daddy

08:34

DQ'd: Resting BAC 0.1%

5

Cockagami

08:45

DQ'd: Under 21

6

Do Her Well

08:46

DQ'd: Testosterone use

7

Dewalt Thunderpussy

09:45

DQ'd: Estrogen use

8

Whoreafist

09:48

DQ'd: ETOH microingestion

9

Wrinkle Pecker

10:16

DQ'd: Iron Stomach

10

Shoeless Joe Jackson

10:33

DQ'd: Briber

11

Heracknephobia

10:38

DQ'd: Roller Skates

12

Primal Vagina

11:20

DQ'd: Two spaces between beers

13

Double Man Cum

11:57

DQ'd: Teleportation

14

Miss Delivery

11:58

DQ'd: Viagra

15 1

Just Nora

12:39

 

16 2

Just Michael

12:39

 

17

Just Eric

13:32

DQ'd: Bitch assistance

18 3

Just Anna

13:33

 

19

Uncle Bad Touch

13:36

DQ’d: Non-amateur

20 4

Cherry Poppins

14:05

 

21 5

Dick Simmons

14:44

 

22 6

Deadbeat

14:57

 

23 7

Dickshank

15:39

 

24 8

Drunken Honuts

15:40

 

25 9

Anal Fulcum

16:13

 

26 10

Just Brian

17:50

 

27 11

Resting Slut Face

18:52

 

28 12

Sleezy Like Sunday Whoring

36:24

 

DNF

Dick Ass Mother Fucker

DNF

 

DNF

Just Nick

DNF