Gonna run trail today
Got my mug
And my knee high socks
Can you tell me how to get
How to get to the hash on my street?
How to get to the hash on my street?
Moonlight shone over the restaurant table where Kermit the Frog was waiting patiently. The door was thrust open, and Miss Piggy stepped through.
“Good evening, Kermit,” she said, batting her eyelids at him.
“Miss Piggy,” Kermit swallowed. “You look lovely.”
“Why, thank you Kermit. It’s a beautiful night, isn’t it? I hope our trail together is just as lovely.”
Kermit gulped again, eyes darting away. “About that, Miss Piggy…”
“Oh, Kermit, did you get my messages?”
“All fifteen? Yes, and I printed all your maps. They’re here. Do you…”
Miss Piggy swept the paper from the table and slapped another sheet on top. “This is the final trail.” She wrapped her boa more tightly around herself and stood. “I’m sorry I can’t stay for dinner, Kermit my dear, but I must go. I am needed elsewhere.”
Kermit sighed and looked down, waving away the waiter who had just arrived with the bottle of wine he ordered.
The normally empty sidewalk by McCoppin Square Park was milling with all sorts of muppets and humans. Even Oscar the Grouch had relocated his trashcan to that street (with the help of Bruno the Trashman, of course). Seeing an opportunity, the rest of the muppets had taken to storing their belongings inside the seemingly endless space of the trash can, ignoring the squeals and groans of Oscar.
Miss Piggy had been gone for several minutes, and Kermit was tasked with explaining to the muppets what exactly they were to do. He stared at the chalk and flour on the ground. “This is all her idea,” he grumbled at the milling crowd.
“What kind of a shit show are they running here?” asked Waldorf. Statler snorted in agreement.
“Ve vill be fine,” reassured the Count. “Ve vill count The Marks. As so.” He slowly started walking away. “Here ve have one mark. One!” A few paces more… “Here ve have two marks. Two!” And he stepped further into the darkness. “Here ve have… Holy fuck!” Rustling in the bushes followed, and the Count reemerged, wiping his lips. “And here ve have a third mark. Three. Ve are ON!”
The muppets were off, bouncing through the streets and alleyways. Cascading into Stern Grove, most of them somehow came out the other side. But not all of them found the way…
“It is dark,” Grover wrapped his arms around himself shivered. “It is dark and cold. And I do not know where we are going. I can not find the trail.”
A flashlight cut through the darkness, and Grover jumped with excitement.
“Hiya, Froggy baby!” Grover slapped Kermit on the back. “Do you know where we are going?”
“Oh, yes, if you just go around…” Kermit paused as he flipped the map upside down and squinted. “That way. That way is the flour.”
Grover bounded off through the darkness, singing to himself. “Grover can do it, Grover can do it, Grover can find the trail!”
Kermit twisted the map over again. “Oops.”
Grover continued to bound through the darkness, rapidly approaching a sweaty and disgruntled Miss Piggy. Luckily his dulcet tones warned her, and she had just enough time to dive into some bushes.
“Huh, no flour here!” Grover said, perplexed. “What’s that rustling? Is there someone there?” He shone his flashlight, which gleamed upon Miss Piggy’s shiny pearls.
“Huh, no flour here, either. Maybe if I keep going! Grover can find the trail!” He bounded off again.
Miss Piggy dragged herself out of the bushes, a stray twig clinging to her hair. “Kermit!” she yelled, shaking her fist into the darkness.
Meanwhile, most of the muppets had found Oscar the Grouch—or at least, they found Oscar the Grouch’s tightly locked trashcan. Luckily Bruno had helpfully removed the keg and orange food and brought it into the park.
“Mmmmmmmm. Me love orange food. Me love cookies. Nom nom nom.” Cookie Monster dove in rapidly, and all the rest joined in, sharing his spirits.
“What do you have there?” asked Statler, pointing to Bert’s enormous sack.
“Oh, Ernie and I are having a sleepover! Isn’t it exciting?”
“Don’t you live together?” asked Waldorf.
“We’re going to camp out together! We’ll be warm together under the stars.” Bert wrapped his arm around Ernie.
“Get a room,” coughed Statler as he shuffled away.
“Can everyone gather around?” yelled Miss Piggy. “I have something to say!”
Groaning, the crowd slowly shuffled forward. “It’s cold!” yelled one of the number.
“Kermit,” said Miss Piggy, drawing him forward. “I have a lot to say to you.”
“Well I have something to say, too, Miss Piggy!” Kermit stomped his foot. “I listened to you when you gave me the first map for tonight, and the second, and the fifth, and the tenth. But you should listen to me for once…”
“Kermit!” Miss Piggy shoved a group of muppets forward. “It’s your birthday, and I wanted to let you know how thankful I am to have you to help me set trail. I’ve commissioned a song. Let’s give it up for The All Monster and a Guy Named Murray Chorus!”
“Hey, hey, hey,” shouted Statler over the ensuing clamor. “Hey there.” He bent down behind them. “I found your missing notes—they were up your asses!”
“Oh, Miss Piggy,” Kermit clasped his hands together. “I guess you do care!”
“How lovely,” groused Waldorf. He turned around at a tugging on his sleeve. “Elmo, what do you want?”
“Elmo was wondering, Mr. Waldorf,” Elmo bobbed steadily. “Elmo was wondering, has Mr. Waldorf seen Big Bird?”
Mr. Waldorf’s already wrinkly face wrinkled even more. “Elmo…”
The crowd parted, and a large furry mammoth shuffled forward. “Mr. Snuffleupagus!” they gasped collectively. “He is real!”
Mr. Snuffleupagus’s trunk ruffled the fur of Elmo’s head fondly. “Elmo, Big Bird had to leave. We won’t be seeing her for a while. She’s gone on a very big adventure, even for such a big bird as herself.”
“But why, Mr. Snuffleupagus?”
“It’s a journey we all have to take at some point, Elmo. But you know what keeps us strong?” Elmo shook his head, as Mr. Snuffleupagus continued. “It’s the thoughts of our friends who we leave behind, Elmo. And the more we think of Big Bird, the nearer she is in our hearts. And that’s true for all of us, big to small. So let’s raise our glasses and toast to Big Bird.”
“Yip Yip Yip!” cried the Yip Yips.
“Bork, bork” called the Swedish Chef.
“On, on!” cried the muppets.
This episode was brought to you by the letter O.
Titty Boo Boo as Miss Piggy
One Night Only as Kermit the Frog
The Van as Oscar the Grouch
Hand Pump as Bruno the Trashman
Buck Fucka as Bert
DeWalt Thunderpussy as Ernie
Dick Simmons as Grover
Cunty Butler as Elmo
Who’s Your Daddy as The Count
Smashed Tennis Ball as Big Bird
Just Doesn’t Get It as Mr. Snuffleupagus
Muff Daddy as The Cookie Monster
BlowQueen as The Swedish Chef
Zippercised as Statler
Do Her Well as Waldorf
The Yip Yips:
Dickweed, Screaming Orgasm, Fuck Norris, Fuck You I’m Leaving, Village Tool, and all the other Visitors and Returners
The All Monster and a Guy Named Murray Chorus:
Perfect Woman, Buck Fucka, Cockamole, DeWalt Thunderpussy, & Drunkin Honuts