Transcript from The Debate
mmPeter: Good evening everyone, welcome to the 11th Hashpublican debate here in beautiful Boner Vista Park. We are now down to just 4 candidates and we will hear from each of them tonight. Lets begin! I’ll begin with Mr. Udder Moron, the representative from somewhere. Mr. Moron, what do you think is the number one issue that faces our hash?
Udder Moron: Well, Peter, I’d say there are really two big issues that threaten SFH3, lazy hashers and shitty hares. We very nearly lost half the pack at a backcheck tonight, all because Cuming Mutha ran the wrong way and a bunch of turkeys just stood there scratching their heads. What kind of irresponsible sociopath splits the pack up and sends them to the same backcheck? This is the kind of nonsense I would end as future supreme leader of the hash.
mmPeter: Mr. Moron, you aren’t running for supreme….
Udder: I would also make sure pack members like Chicken Bone Her and Dick Simmons know what a true trail mark looks like, so we wouldn’t have to rely on phone calls to find the beer check!
mmPeter: Thank you Mr. Moron. Mr. Lollicock, Will you respond to the allegations from former party candidate Mr. Hand Pump earlier today that you're a slow idiot of a hasher and that you also have a micropenis?
Good Shit Lollicock: I would like to say that although there are RUMORS that MY COCK is SMALL, I will still love you short time. Also, I am magically delicious and I don’t give a fuck about anyone.
mmPeter: Mr. Lollicock, how will that make the hash great again?
Good Shit : I also have plan to build a wall between my cock and…
Udder: What does any of this shit have to do with the hash?
Lollicock: Don’t interrupt ME, MR. MORON!
Good Shit Lollicock Flashes his micropenis at his competitors.
mmPeter: Wow! That IS really small. I wonder if his hands are small too.
Just Doesn’t Get It: I’d like to just say that Good Shit has turned this whole race into a ridiculous spectacle. Any relevant arguments that we make in favor of improving the hash are drowned out by his on-going antic. Also, why is Geordi Le Foreskin, here? I thought he dropped out of the race and went back to New Jersey?
Geordi Le Foreskin: I’m from New York.
Just Doesn’t Get It: No one cares.
Geordi: I’m here to endorse Mr. Goodshit, I feel he will be the strongest possible leader of the Hashpublican party. I am also despised back in KnickerbockerH3 so I really have nothing else going on.
Just Doesn’t Get It: Didn't you called him a fat asshole two weeks ago?
Geordi scoots closer to Good Shit Lollicock, grabs hold of Good Shit’s pocket lining. On-lookers cringe at the creepy spectacle.
Geordi: Water under the bridge, we’re in this together now.
mmPeter: Creepy, but OK. How about one for Mr. Miss. Delivery, who we haven’t heard from yet tonight. Mr. Delivery, you have basically been a non-factor in this race since this trail began, can you please explain yourself? Why does no one seem to know that you’re running?
Miss Delivery: What race? What am I running for? I'm what’s going on right now. I’m just here to run a trail, if thats what you mean by running.
mmPeter: Thank you Ms. Delivery, that’s very illuminating..
Miss: I still have no idea what you’re talking about. But lets keep this civil, huh guys?
Good Shit Lollicock: I have another pocket lining if you’d like to grab hold, Miss.
Miss Delivery shudders in revulsion.
Miss: No, definitely not.
mmPeter: I’m afraid that we’re out of time for tonight. Please tweet any follow-up questions and we may include them in the next debate. Thank you and good night.
Good Shit Lollicock: Still loving you short time!
End of Transcript
…Meanwhile at a sleezy bedbug-infested hotel on Haight our two hares had just finished getting off to the spectacle of the Hashpublican debate. Cunty Butler was smoking a cigarette in bed as she pondered what this debate meant for her own chances of haring again. She watch her bedfellow get up and walk to the door, his butt cheeks just barely visible under his jean skirt.
Ser titty boo boo: I’ve gotta take a shit now, I’ve been waiting for that mess to be over.
Cunty Butler: Will you please be a dear a wash this? It needs to be sterilized.
She took off her strap-on and removed the 9-inch purple dildo from the harness, tossing it to her co-hare.
Ser titty boo boo: Sure, I’ll take care of it, anything else?
Cunty Butler: I think we should plan a rescue operation for Geordi Le Foreskin, I suspect Good Shit Lollicock has turned him into a sex slave and Miss Delivery is next. Geordi’s balls were definitely in the Good Shit’s pocket for part of that debate.
Ser titty boo boo nodded and waddled gingerly out of the room, as if he had a broom handle jammed up his ass.
Trump- Good Shit Lollicock
Cruz- Udder Moron
Rubio- Just Doesn’t Get It
Kasich- Miss Delivery
Chris Christie- Geordi Le Foreskin
Mitt Romney-Hand Pump
Bernie-Ser titty boo boo