Captain Hand Pump’s Log:
1800: We are experiencing pristine hashing conditions, with wind at a gentle 8 knots. The flour is set. We are prepared for departure.
1830: My crew has gathered and listened attentively, as always. We have set a time of 1845 for disembarkment from the pier, and shall arrive at our destination within the hour.
1845: Crew seems reticent to depart, has begun to consume beer. Ensign Cockagami has noted that Seaman Can’t Rush Anal has a lame leg and may need shore leave to recuperate. Petty Officer Cuming Mutha joined her in the request. Granted.
1850: Majority of crew has successfully departed. Petty Officer Gloryhole has arrived late, as usual. He may be given a tongue lashing, if he prefers, following the voyage.
1900: Unable to discern whether lights coming from Coit Tower are distress signals or flashes from Ensign Dick Simmons’ camera.
1910: Chief Officer Backside Banger has commandeered the Jeremiah O’Brien. Jamison has been fully stocked.
1930: The majority of crew has boarded, despite possible mutiny from Ensign Bitch’s Bitch. Pirate “Ser” Titty Boo Boo has joined ranks with the enlisted men and is trying to hang himself from his balls. Luckily for everyone else, The Dread Cunty Butler had a pair of scissors.
1945: Tricrapylete has been bragging about how he won a fancy room onshore, to the displeasure of the rest of the enlisted men. Brown Eye spent a while pleading his case for the extra bed. Must remind him he’s still MY cabin boy.
2000: A successful journey all around. The crew has been granted free libations for their good behavior. All are toasting to the birthdays of Petty Officers Sleazy Like Sunday Whoring and Craven Morehead. We will drink to them tonight!
2015: Seamen Rent Whore and Rhythm Method were found mounting a very large gun.
2020: Much was heard re Just Elle’s shenanigans at The Castle, prompting the crew to Chorus “Weekend at Abba’s.” Duly noted, and let’s bump her up ta Chief Engineer to boot.
2025: There ish now a shtripper pole on the Jeremiah O’Brien, courtesy of Just Jaci.
2030: Ensigns Primal Vagina and Whorifist were found beating children… being beaten by children? Unclear.
2032: Captain Ice Box has commandeered her own ship—to Australia! !!.!
2035: Fucker ish talking to a very very nice security guard. Nice guard.
2040: We found us some furriners! Geordi La Foreskin and No Engrish. Aboard ye landlubbers!
2100: Firsht Fofficer, Good Shit Lollicock, carry me home!