Run #423 Survivor III: Marin

Not satisfied with fire, flood, snakes or lame contestants CBS played its trump card last Thursday with a one night special addition of its hit show Survivor. Borneo and the Australian Outback may be fine for pussies but a trail set by D’anglin A’anglin is a horse of another color. The Gypsies, that amiable tribe of *unning drunks, provided the characters CBS has sorely lacked. How could Rudy ever hope to compare to Shaggy Dog the lascivious lovechild of Nelson Mandela and Comes Slowly (does that make him Sadie’s half-brother)? . Ft. Baker in Sausalito was the scene of the evening’s start. Unlike the faux reality of the two-tribe system Thursday’s event consisted of twenty-five halfminded contestants with the combined IQ of a dwarf shrew. all competing for the ultimate prize; sole possession of the Sacred Bucket filled with Skippy Goes Nakeds. As always the evening’s events were begun with a benediction from the Sacred Missal. Reading tonight was Mona, a virgin sacrificed on the altar of alcohol along with her two friends Artlynn and Tiffany, by the aforementioned Shaggy Dog. Mona had apparently prepared for the evening by o ding on nitrous oxide causing her to lapse into fits of hysterical laughter. Still her performance was good enough to raise Das Poop’s flagpole. The first contest was for the pack to find trail. D’anglin A’nglin sent the pack off across the baseball diamond thoroughly disconcerting those foolish enough to not recognize hashing as the National Pastime. Comes Slowly was the first to drop from the scene. Apparently the ascent of the crumbling cliff face held together by poison oak was not to her liking. Clever devil that he is Wankers Island avoided touching the stuff with his hands by hauling himself up the vines with his teeth (no cunnilingus for Allyson tonight). The trail skirted the fence surrounding WW II bunkers and offered great views of the bay and still more poison oak. From there it went downhill (as is true of so many Gypsy activities) to the road where Whippet In and Whippet Out, not satisfied with the amount of p o oil they’d stashed on their coats for bedtime, made a concerted effort to turn Fits In and T/BC into roadkill. Looking up from the road they could see the rest of the Wherethefuckawe tribe SLOWLY climbing the hill toward the ridge crest. Assuming that the rest of the pack would end up like the Donner Party guaranteeing a win the

Weknowwhereweareandwantabeernow portion of the tribe headed in along the road. Arriving back at the start they were met by Shithead who had decided “been there done that don’t won’t to tonight” and Bigfoot who arriving late was disqualified from the competition and busy arranging the sofa that she routinely carries in her car. All were set to enjoy a cold one when the challenge they were to face was revealed. D’anglin and Nutless Sac had snagged the cooler and taken all the piss high into the hills for a beer check. Would they be able to rise to the challenge? Will Chickless Boner ever get laid? Uh, wait that’s the wrong question. Drill Me adeptly popped a minicooler out of her trunk and the challenge was answered. Eyes turned to the hills the pack was observed switchbacking down and their cries of anguished thirst rent the air. One by one the survivors arrived. Likes To Lick was instantly naked and wallowing in Technu. His pleading for water to wash it off was painful to hear. Realizing that he’d used the last of the magic elixir Open Wide was down on her knees playing patty cake in the puddles trying desperately to get the p o off her hands. Professional Fool, Enter The Gerbil donning his cap and bells called the circle together and began winnowing the wheat. Naked Hasher was instantly disposed of for wearing tights to avoid the p o; cowardice is never a fashion statement. Handjob For Humanity was trashed for accepting a ride from Chickless Boner setting a bad example for women worldwide. Torches were being snuffed out left and right. Scarlett O’Hairy bit the bullet when it was revealed that she’d short cut by hiding in the back of the beer van and finished off most of the piss refilling the bottles as her need arose. Nutless Sac left the competition when a frenzied Badger gave his name a whole new meaning. Snakeless arrived late with some story about slipping a disc while boffing a blonde. Sucks Cock For Crack was another late arrival still he was fairly pleased when a toasted Just Angela misunderstood his name. He didn’t bother to correct her until she started asking for crack. Just Joy lost out when she refused to flash for the boys and instead sang breaking Chickless Boner’s glasses when she hit high C. Artlynn, Tiffany, and Mona made a futile effort to convince the pack that three tongues equaled one intimate body part. The carnage soon made it clear that there would be no “Survivor” so the pack settled down and slogged through the Bucket as well as the down-down brandy, Drambuie, and Amoretto. By then the film crew had joined in and the resulting tape was considered too hot for anything but the next episode of Bimbo Bloopers. Food was consumed at Dario’s Pizza. On Friday the reviews clearly showed that the Gypsies had what it took to give CBS the May Sweeps. What’s next, the Weakest Link?