Run #439 Chandra Bigfoot
Sure Gary Condit says he’s never had a relationship with Bigfoot
but she was still missing at the circle last Thursday. We looked and
looked but no Bigfoot. Was she in heaven or off on a toot that
damned' elusive Suds Sucking Bigfoot? Just when T/BC
was getting ready to smash her car window and fence the stereo while
Likes To Lick emptied her ATM account and paid for the
on-on-on with her credit cards the handsome young park policeman
delivered her. As she got out of the car she was still apologizing
for the six stitches he needed to close the cut he received from her
flashlight when she thought he was just another perve. Drill
Me was besides herself trying to explain to Badger why
she wouldn’t be getting that juicy leg bone she’d been promised
and the rest of the pack continued punishing their livers never
having noticed Bigfoot was missing. So back to the beginning.
It all started well enough as T/BC and Nutless Sac
gathered the pack at the vista parking lot at the north end of the
Golden Gate Bridge for an InterAm prelewd trail. Hey how hard could
it be with the fat man and the cripple setting the trail? It being
summer in the city the wind was howling and the fog was thick enough
to smear on bread. Nutless having fallen madly in love with
retail sales was busy hawking his latest shirt commemorating the
trail. So devoted is he that one shirt went to a civilian who just
needed something warm. Religious services were performed by Just
Nathan a friend of Open Wide and a for real *unner, but we
forgave him his sin. By the time he finished his reading of the
Sacred Missal about dildos and dykes his face was so
red that rumor has it he’ll be replacing Rudolph as the lead
reindeer this Christmas Eve. Comes Slowly made a special plea
to stop reading the lesbian parables as Sadie has been
crawling into bed of late and trying to act them out. On that note
the pack was on-on. Trail took them under the bridge and up along the
Coastal Trail. Nutless and T/BC watched the pack
disappear into the fog like Mallory and Irvine. As they ascended
through the howling wind they cursed the hares and swore eternal
vengeance. Over the Waldo Tunnel they climbed secure in the
knowledge that retreat was impossible. A check at the base of Slacker
Hill drew the pack even higher where they were confronted with a back
check that brought Naked Hasher to his knees in tears that
froze as they fell. Clap Trap and Dick Chick mistaking
the faltering steps and slurred speech of his parking lot brandies
for warmth with signs of hypothermia quickly formed themselves into a
sandwich with him as the meat. Imagine their surprise when he not
only warmed to the experience but rose to the occasion. While true
hashers were making fools of themselves on Slacker Hill novices Just
Nathan and Just Wayne were on true trail. The hares,
watching from a hill across the road, wet their pants laughing as
Just Nathan went up and down the trail three times yelling,
“On three” while the cognoscenti paid no attention. They fell
over weeping to hear Just Wayne reach the road and yell back,
“I found a circle with a cross in it” to which Nathan
responded, “Is that good or bad?” A quick circle jerk past the
hares, who were pounding brews and showing no inclination to share,
left the pack even angrier. Down McCullogh Road thundered the pack.
Just before Bunker Road an arrow took them through the housing for
GGNRA workers and finally to a much needed beer check. With Texas on
their minds the hares had spared all expense and provided Shiner Bock
for the pack. It was at the beer check that Bigfoot’s
absence was first noted. Dick Chick volunteered to run back to
find her and Drill Me sensing a possible treat for
Badger volunteered to drive back along the road. Once the
hares were sure that the rest of the pack had consumed enough alcohol
to raise their blood courage level they sent them back through the
car tunnel under the headlands. Not that the tunnel is narrow but
cars are only allowed through in one direction at a time with a
five-minute wait in each direction. Not that the tunnel is slippery
but speed skaters could train there. Shithead fueled by
Shiners and zeal bellowed, “Hoowah, I’ll die like a Gypsy”
and dashed into the tunnel providing a sterling example of
halfmindedness. He was quickly shoved aside by Fucking Pesto
Chicken, arms flailing, eyes closed, hysterically screaming
“Please momma I don’t want to die.” Saner pack members left
these two to duel their way to the light at the end of the tunnel.
Bag Lady concerned that someone might do a Bitch In
Heat went last in case her nursing skills were required. Having
headed for the light the pack found itself with a fast trip to the
on-in. Actual drinking occurred in the parking lot on the east side
of the bridge to avoid any potentially nasty confrontations with the
police. Once all the furniture had been arranged the Sacred
Bucket was produced and filled with River Madness. The madness
was soon transferred to the throats of the pack. As the sun set
concern for Bigfoot rose and several search parties retraced
the trail looking for our missing cohort or at least her remains.
Just Nathan even retraced the trail over the top. This of
course was his punishment for being a fit fucker. More traditionally
built hashers like Cupcake and Manhole preferred to
guard Bigfoot’s share of the Bucket and say a prayer
for the dear departed. Dickless Namehole pled arthritis
as an excuse to drink and not hunt. No amount of searching brought
forth Bigfoot. Those with a more paranoid view began to
question D’anglin Anglin more closely as he claimed
to be the last one to see her alive. Dr. Kimble noting the
rust color stains on D’anglin’s shoes wondered aloud if
they could be blood. Phone Sex ran to her truck and
produced a rope. Just as the vigilante spirit was about to overwhelm
the pack the park police brought our lady back safe and sound which
brings us back to the start of the tail. It seems that our lost sheep
had followed trail to the point where it left the housing complex and
noting that it appeared to go uphill decided to turn left instead of
right and go where it was flat. Using perfect hashing logic she chose
to go in the opposite direction of the trail. Eventually she reached
Rodeo Beach and was about to make a desperate effort to swim back
when the coppers rescued her. Open Wide was so
grateful, and so toasted, that she promised the officer free teeth
cleaning for a year. Noting the officers tight fitting uniform
Scarlett O’Hairy volunteered to be the next bimbo in
need. Once our lost lamb was back in the fold she assumed Enter The
Gerbil’s role as King’s Fool and distributed down-downs.
Fits In received one for offering to succor Gerbil had Bigfoot
gone to Jimmy Hoffaland. Just Brian got one for somehow
avoiding involvement in any of the insanity. Eventually Dario’s got
the pack’s business and the pack got pizza and yet more beer. Join
the Campaign to Keep Bigfoot Off Milk Cartons. Cheers.