“It’s said that there is no event of higher esteem in the entire Olympics than the Red Dress Run, isn’t that true, Cuming Mutha?” On All Fours twirled her parasol delicately.

“Right-o! You may be familiar with common track and field events such as the hurdles, the pole vault, and sprint, but all that’s a bit drab, if I do say so,” Cuming Mutha patted down his skirt. “What you want is an event with spirit, and we certainly have a good stock of that in the back of the van. Our competitors have come from miles around—Bog Off and Squeeze My Tits are visiting from overseas, while Cosmic Pussy, Wrinklepecker, Slug, Backhoe, Sperm Donor, and E-McFucked made an even more harrowing trip across the bay.”

“Dick Ass Mother Fucker has to pet sit the Bridge Troll sometimes,” On All Fours shared.

“Only when Crabs needs a night out on the town,” Cuming Mutha nodded. “Speaking of Crabs, he and Humpy Slocum are serving as event referees, and they’ve already handed out some event DQs! Peg Me and Lace Me, Just Cam, Dickweed, and Medium Sized Balls of Fire have been flagged for non-standard uniform. Dickweed, a shirt only counts if you run around without pants.”

“Boner Marrow narrowly escaped with a dress he found lying on a car roof, but as an event veteran he knows how to secure his outfit in time.”

“He and other veterans like Ocean Spray, One and Done and Twinkle Dick are raring to go. However, it seems like there is some fresh blood—Bald Beaver has sponsored three new representatives, while Wine Rack has trained Just Charity up very nicely for this moment.”

“Dick Simmons is ready with his camera crew…”

“Himself?” asked Cuming Mutha.

“Right. And with that, they’re off, Do Her Well taking the lead with experience and a tad bit of insider information. She and Cockamole nearly knock Hand Pump into the bushes, and one of the virgins dashes out in front. But it’s not long before Dickweed and Sweatty Betty dash into one of the event’s standard checks, which sows confusion amongst the entire group. Pomegranate Pullout and Five Angry Inches find the route, followed by Just Doesn’t Get It, Three Fingers and Fuck Buddy.”

“They’re dodging cars left and right as they go back towards Aquatic Park and through Ghirardelli Square. The tourists don’t know what to make of Chicken Bone Her and Sexxx-Ray carving their way through—even Look Who’s Coming To Dinner, Backwash and the rest of the walkers are overwhelming their delicate minds. Look, Muff Daddy’s passing out handkerchiefs for their brows.”

“Those may be napkins from In and Out, slightly used,” commented On All Fours.

 “More than they deserve. Right, the group’s on to Pier 39, and right now they’re all dead even. Meat Hall of Fame is just in front of THUNDERPISS, with Touchmaster 69 right behind him. But don’t count out Wee Wee or Gobble My Ass just yet. And Lost In Foreskin’s accessory game is giving him a leg up on the rest.”

“What’s that noise? Did someone blow a seal?”

“That would be cruelty to animals, On All Fours. No, they’re squealing through the parking deck and up to the first check point. They must consume afternoon tea and refresh their spirits before continuing.”

“Ah, but best eat quickly as security is right on their tails.”

“No problem for these chaps,” Cuming Mutha chuckled. “A bit of food and grog down their gullets, and they are off. Minor 69er is making a fine showing tonight with Vagina Dentata giving a good effort as well. Hoseblower has gone for some higher artistry ratings, but how much will that weigh into the judges’ final decision? Who is to say?”

“We would be the judges, right dear?” On All Fours pointed out.

“Ah, too right. At any rate, the highest bit of artistry is to come, as Damien the Antichrist, Cum Test Dummy, and Circle Jerk begin to launch their dismounts off of Lombard. And oh, what a fine showing by Backhoe just before her birthday. Those tourists can’t even stop and smell the rose-colored dresses, but she’s going to make them. And what’s this? Hand Pump is hitting Lombard in reverse?”

“Not even Tricrapylete can believe his eyes. A spectacular finish as we gather into the new Francisco Park with the setting sun. Amazing to see the turnout here—from newcomers like Wham Bam Thank You Tam, to familiar faces like Mary Tyler Whore—what a special competition with a special group.”

“But with a special event, we must declare a winner—one who excelled above all others. Even if they did not come in first, they certainly came—”

“It’s Jack The Ripper!” they shouted in unison.

“I know him!” whispered Do Her Well from behind them.

The applause rained from the rafters, and Jack accepted his prize with the confidence of a true champion.

“Now, there’s just one more thing that we are lucky to offer tonight,” Cuming Mutha silenced the crowds. Humpy pulled out a sac and began distributing foil covered rectangles amongst the competitors. “Only the daring will show the extent latex can reach--- and overcome it! That’s right, it’s our semi-anal condom blowout!”

“Hold this!” On All Fours smashed her microphone into Cuming Mutha’s hands and leapt from the grandstand into the be-condomed crowds.

“You can’t keep a good On All Fours down… or not all the way down, er… she’s just as down as she likes. At any rate, on on and on out!”